i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
