Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
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Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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