dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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