i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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