I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
