A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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