I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
