he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
