Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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