he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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