I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have fence marks all over my body
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
