Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
