literally had 100 drinks last night.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
