and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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