i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
