The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Rumble strips road head = magical
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
