if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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