Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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