apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
