if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's blow job season.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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