I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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