Michael Bay diarrhea
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
