I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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