It was confusing and full of hummus
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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