i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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