the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize