I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
