I wish I could teleport
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my sisters under your porch take her home
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
