My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have post one night stand depression
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
