I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Panties = found
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