Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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