Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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