i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
