there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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