would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
