he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
