was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
