I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
