Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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