the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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