I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
babies were throwing up all over the place
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
