My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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