I cannot find my penis.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
ttyl tear gas
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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