my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
