I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
