you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
