dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
