I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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