Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
