This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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