I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
