and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
