I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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