Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
