My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize