Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
