apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
