good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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